I AM ALONE AND I AM PROUD OF THAT

My experience with Anxiety, Depression and Emetophobia.

Hello, my name is Vaishnavi Ambekar. I am 20 years old and this my story of being alone and how I deal with it. This blog will help you see what it’s like to feel alone and still be comfortable with it.

A LITTLE BACK STORY SO THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM COMING FROM.

As I stepped into my first year of degree college, new atmosphere, new places, new crowd, everything was novel to me. I was a student of science stream and I changed to arts to go ahead for my dreams. I was first-hand to the environment of huge places and travelling through Mumbai locals. I started to feel overwhelmed and anxious because in a day my life changed from 30 students in class to 150 students and huge buildings and crowded places.

 I felt I didn’t fit in right from the first day and it started to get more and more difficult every day. I tried going out there and make friends but I didn’t feel like I connected with them. I started hanging out with them for weeks but I still didn’t feel any comfort. I soon got anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I began avoiding attending college everyday and as a result I got out of touch of those people who I made friends with.

 I remember coming home one morning because I was too anxious of sitting in the class that I reached the college and went back home without entering in. I cried all night and begged my parents not to force me to go to college. I used to get terrible anxiety at night and many irrational thoughts. My legs used to feel like they were floating or they were too heavy. I tried gaining courage by meeting my only best friend who lived near my house. But that didn’t help for long. I soon started to ignore what I was feeling and stayed in bed all day. I stopped going out of the house altogether. I stopped meeting any friends I had before and I soon sank into depression.    

I never picked up my phone to answer a call or text. I used to watch NETFLIX all day long. I started to look very pale and lifeless. I felt more alone than ever. After a year of all this, my father finally decided to help me through by taking me to a therapist. Yes, a real psychiatrist. Before this day I had no idea what therapy was and no idea how psychology works. I just knew something was wrong with me and I needed to fix it.

Soon my therapy began and with help of my therapist i.e. my psychiatrist and psychologist i.e. counselor I began my journey of healing myself.

My counselor was none other than Ms. Isha Thorve. She and I had many sessions which made me find what my issues were. I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression and Emetophobia. All of these are mental illnesses and could be treated. Soon I realized I had issues with being alone, loneliness and having no friends.

I spent two years of my degree college without any friends. I lost all the friends I made and I was trying to be comfortable in my own company. That surely doesn’t mean I don’t like people or having friends. I do like hanging out with people and connecting with people. But when it comes to being friends or having friends I always felt alone. For those two years I had no friends and looking back now, I realize I never really had any friends. My friends kept changing over the time or situations. I never had any constant people in my life.

Now spending those days were difficult because as today we are always on social media, I could see people having fun, going out and living their life. And I felt that I was alone as I was in my bed all alone. Over the many years I have always been hard on myself for not having any friends. I have always blamed myself or my flaws such as having mental illnesses for not having friends. But soon with my therapy I learnt that it was not my fault.  I understood how to form real and good friendships. I learnt how important it was to feel that you are valued in a friendship.

And today, I would say I still feel alone. But I am proud that I do not have friendships which are toxic. I have made a few friends who value me more than ever and I am so grateful that I met them.

So now you must be thinking how do I deal with being alone and feelings of having no friends. Here are a few tips:

So to conclude this blog i have told you about my journey of being alone and being proud of it. I gave you 5 tips to handle your feelings of being alone.

THANKYOU!

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